(It certainly does as a viewing method; I was able to compress this evening's first hour-long live show into a scant 20-odd minutes. I watched no commercials, almost none of the judging, and as much -- or as little -- of the performances as I could tolerate.)
Katie Stevens singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway”
Last week, I lambasted poor innocent Katie for being a vat-grown Idolbot. As it turns out, that was an overly generous designation, because vat-grown Idolbots can at least, you know, sing. That's not the case for Katie. No matter what the judges claim, she looks and sounds every bit as young and inexperienced as she is, and if there was any justice in the world she'd be going home this week. (There isn't; she won't.)
Siobhan Magnus singing The Animals’ “House of the Rising Sun”
This, on the other hand, was much, much better than I expected, a slowed-down torch song rendition that actually worked. I still have a visceral negative reaction to Siobhan -- my wife thinks it's because she looks, and I quote, "like a small woodland creature" -- but this was a genuinely interesting performance. Nothing I'd ever listen to again, mind you, but interesting.
Lacey Brown singing Brandi Carlile’s “The Story”
Couldn't even watch it. Heard her get off to her reedy start sitting on the side of the stage and just fast-forwarded straight through until someone else started singing.
Katelyn Epperly singing Carole King’s “I Feel the Earth Move”
I imagine that the inside of Katelyn Epperly's head is a very interesting place. It would have to be, for this song -- sung in that style -- in that outfit -- standing stationary behind a keyboard -- to seem like anything resembling a good idea. Seriously, is there anyone on the planet who thinks, Hey, you know what'll get the crowd fired up? "I Feel The Earth Move"! This song is too bland for shampoo commercials, let alone live stage performances.
Didi Benami singing Fleetwood Mac’s “Rhiannon”
I kind of really liked this. I listened to her performance all the way through, and can imagine listening to it again. Benami's vocal phrasing reminds me a bit of Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and I really liked what she did with this boring, boring song. My favorite performance of the night, and one of the tops this season.
Paige Miles singing Charlie Chaplin’s “Smile”
Paige Miles thought that Katelyn Epperly was being awful reckless with her song choice, I guess. This was about as apocalyptic a song choice as you could make on Idol; compound that with a listless performance and a singer that we STILL know nothing about, and you have a recipe for some serious fast-forwarding.
Crystal Bowersox singing Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”
I absolutely detest this song. It's so boring, so generic bluesy, so ... so Tracy Chapman-ish, that I really thought there were no redeeming qualities. I was wrong: there are very FEW redeeming qualities, but Crystal Bowersox managed to highlight the ones that were there. Credit where it's due, Bowersox has more stage presence at this point in her early days as a reality-show-pop-star than some major label acts do after years of touring. The Black Eyed Peas would murder a drifter for this level of charisma.
Lilly Scott singing Patsy Cline’s “I Fall to Pieces”
Something I would like to do: travel back in time to Season 3 of American Idol and tell Simon Cowell that two of his top contenders in Season 9 were a dreadlocked hippie mom who had made a career busking at train stations and a platinum-haired multi-instrumentalist alterna-girl with scrunchies for earrings who earned serious praise for covering Patsy Cline while playing the mandolin. I like to imagine that Season 3 Cowell would laugh at me, crush my spirit with some withering remark, then light me on fire with 100 dollar bills just to show that he could. But who's laughing now, Hypothetical Season 3 Simon Cowell? Me, that's who.
MY PREDICTED CUTS: Given that Katie Stevens is a squishy little Idolbot, I'd usually be betting that she survives, but with Vote For The Worst protecting Paige Miles, I'm guessing that Katie and Lacey are toast.
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