TV Spotlight -- American Idol: Top 10 Ladies (03/03/10)

"Write something," they said.

"Why'd we introduce you," they said.

"Just put anything up," they said.

So I said, fine, I'm watching Idol anyhow, I'll write about that.

"Idol is dead to us," they said.

Well, too bad. It's either Idol or a few hundred words of me suffering a minor nervous breakdown during this evening's Maryland/Duke game, and I think we can all agree that no one wants to read that.

So Idol it is. (I mean, maybe no one wants to read Idol, either, but at least I feel like writing that. With Maryland/Duke, we'd ALL be suffering.)

Here's how I watch Idol: quickly. The goal with a two-hour episode is to see the whole thing in no more than 30 minutes. This means skipping all the commercials (obviously), most of the canned interview segments, roughly 85% of the judging, and, frankly, a whole lot of the performances.

Some might see this as a hindrance to the review process, but those people are short-sighted and foolish: the fast-forwarding IS the review process. With things to do, pointless blog entries to write, kids to take care of, jobs to have, far better TV to watch ... Idol is a luxury. And by "luxury," I mean "phenomenal waste of time." There's really no higher compliment than for something to actually capture my interest during a given Idol episode.

For context, here's everything that I found notable and worth slowing down for during last night's guys' performances:

Yeah, nothing. Even at four-times speed, it was still an enormous waste of my life. If all the contestants were at the same level as the guys, the 2010 Idol season would be even MORE likely to destroy the franchise than it already is. The women tonight, though ... they actually had something to offer. So enough preamble; let's run through this.

First up: Crystal Bowersox, singing Creedence Clearwater Revival's "As Long As I Can See The Light"

There's been a lot of drama with Bowersox this week. Apparently she got sick and they had to move the boys up a day and OMG! Scandal! Or whatever. But all of that is sort of irrelevant because she walks out and absolutely CRUSHES this song. I'm not particularly familiar with this particular CCR cut, but it sounds terrific; she can sing -- well enough that the beleaguered Idol backup singers even seem happy to be singing with her. This performance was good enough that not only did I not fast-forward the song, I even listened to all of the insipid judges' comments. The clear frontrunner for this season, assuming she doesn't die of whatever mysterious SARS variant knocked her down last night. (This, obvi, is the video embedded above.)

Next: Haeley Vaughn, singing Miley Cyrus's "The Climb"

I liked Haeley Vaughn coming out of the audition rounds. She was interesting, she had found a gap in the literature to fill ("youthful black pop-country singer"), and she had enthusiasm that I was pretty sure could get her over any hurdles her lack of experience might present her.

I was wrong. I made it maybe 20 seconds into this debacle of a cover of a mediocre pop song, then fast-forwarded the rest -- including all the judging -- while cringing at my optimism. She could go home this week and I don't think anyone would really complain.

And, man, I'll own up to liking some Miley, but this song is just a slog under the BEST of circumstances.

Lacey Brown, singing Sixpence None The Richer's "Kiss Me"

Hey, speaking of TERRIBLE songs!

And poor Lacey Brown really can't do anything with this one. I start fast-forwarding just after the reedy opening notes, feel bad about it a few seconds later, drop back in to hear that it's gotten marginally better but still not worth listening to, and fast-forward to Simon's comments. (I can't be alone in only caring what Simon has to say, of all the judges. My order, to clarify future rankings: 1) Simon; 2) Ellen; 3) Randy [and I have no idea how THAT happened]; 4) Kara [and I tend to be hypnotized by her horrific circa-1989 poofy bangs].)

In any event, I had hope to hear Simon absolutely shatter this poor girl, and he let me down. Thanks, Simon.

Brown has to be kicking herself, because in most years of Idol she'd seem like the zany alterna-chick that ironic viewers could identify with. But with Bowersox and the pretentiously gray-haired Lily Scott bringing the authenticity thunder this season, Brown is just another ponderous hipster who thinks that buying antique furniture lends her gravitas to her singing. Bored now.

Katie Stevens, singing The Chipettes' "Put Your Records On"

Oh, dear lord. Every year on Idol, there's at least one of these precocious little creatures that have been vat-grown to be stage-perfect pop-singers (see also: David Archuleta). The judges are invariably impressed with their vocal ability and stage presence, and they invariably bore me to tears.

Katie Stevens is the 2010 female version of that Idoltype, and if I could've fast-forwarded through her performance any faster, I would've. I'm reasonably sure she was technically sound but hideously dull, though.

Didi Benami, singing Bill Withers' "Lean On Me"

I like Didi Benami, now that the Idol machine is done forcing the story of her poor dead friend down our throats. She's got an appealing earnestness, a good voice, and a generically attractive look that all stand out during the whole Idol thing.

But I was listening to pop radio when Club Noveau's remake of "Lean On Me" broke big, and I'm afraid I heard the song enough then to last WAY more than a lifetime. I listened to enough of Benami's performance to make sure she wasn't botching it badly enough to get kicked off, then fast-forwarded to....

Michelle Delamor, singing Creed's "With Arms Wide Open"

This was probably the most interesting performance of the night. It was certainly the only one I listened to all the way through even though I kind of hated it.

Here's the thing: this song -- like most Creed tracks -- is brain-shatteringly stupid. And Delamor, who somehow radiates insincerity and glossy pop falseness, manages to misunderstand the lyrics in a way that makes it even stupider. Plus she's attempting to do a Whitney Houston version of the whole thing that she flat-out doesn't have the voice to carry off.

But here's the thing: she was just interesting enough to make me want to hear an actual talented diva take a crack at it. I'm not a big one to give A for effort on American Idol, but this is one of the rare times. I hope she sticks around and makes a season of doing breathy, terrible renditions of meatheaded rock songs. I really think there's a market for that. Seriously.

Lily Scott, singing Sam Cooke's "A Change Is Gonna Come"

Scott is the anti-Michelle Delamor. She's so determined to retain her authenticity, to bring her jazz-inflected stylings to whatever Significant Pop Song she's decided to cover, that I find myself having plenty of respect for her performances but completely uninterested in listening to them. Fast-forwarded through all of Scott, listened to the judges fawn over her remarkable authenticity, and moved on with my life. Wake me when she either starts covering poppier things or takes the authenticity schtick to the limit and does the first female jazz vocal interpretation of a Minor Threat tune in American Idol history.

Katelyn Epperly, singing Coldplay's "The Scientist"

I have a completely unfounded dislike of Epperly, probably because she wears outsize bows in her hair, and I think we can all agree that people who do that can't be trusted. And the judges used the word "slow" about thirty times to describe this lugubrious cover of a sluggish song. But I will tell you a secret, because "you" -- that is, someone who is actually still reading this -- probably don't exist: I really, really liked this. I thought she excised the whininess from the original, added a few nice vocal flourishes, played the piano with appropriately Phantom Of The Opera-esque levels of drama, and successfully did not wear a stupid bow in her hair. Didn't fast-forward, enjoyed the whole thing, and yelled at the judges when they weren't properly appreciative.

I'm sure I'll go back to hating her again next week, though.

Paige Miles, singing Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away"

I like it when people on American Idol cover people who found fame on American Idol. It makes the whole thing feel like an awesome continuum of mainstream pop optimism. And I'll join all the people out there who complain about having packaged dramatic backstories shoved down our throat during Hollywood Week.

But here's the thing: when you don't feed us packaged backstories, we wind up with Paige Miles, and the net result is that I COMPLETELY DO NOT CARE. At all. Didn't listen to her sing, didn't listen to the judges, and I hope she gets voted off so that I can get on with paying attention to people that I either like or hate. That's what reality TV is all about, after all; who has time for mild indifference?

Last up: Siobhan Magnus, singing Aretha Franklin's "Think"

I can't help it: I just loathe Siobhan Magnus. I'm convinced her actual name is something like "Jen Smith," and she picked out Siobhan Magnus in an attempt to sound like someone who was at least German-Irish, if not actually interesting. The whole hipster haircut, semi-ironic hand gestures, glass-blowing thing leaves me so stone-cold that I can't even explain it.

Plus I had already inadvertently watched a few full performances, a couple of judgments, and even one commercial. (I thought it was another of the unspeakably awesome "I'm on a horse" Old Spice ads, but it was actually for a men's clothing company.) There was no time left for Siobhan Magnus. There wasn't even any time to fast-forward her. I just cut the viewing off and deleted the whole thing as soon as she started in on her tired, wedding-band tune. Sorry. I'm sure she'll win the whole thing and use her Idol powers to hunt me down, but I just couldn't be bothered. I'm more impressed by the glass-blowing.

My predicted cuts: This is a pointless endeavor, since I freely admit to not having watched half the singers, but here it goes. Tomorrow night we'll be saying goodbye to: Haeley Vaughn and Lacey Brown. And from the guys? It doesn't matter. Pick two. Whatever.

American Idol review by Matt