Film Review -- G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (PG-13)

Directed by Stephen Sommers
Released August 7th 2009

Awful, horrendous, terrible, trash, waste, filth and crap are all words that describe G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It had all the ingredients for a great summer action flick. Hype? Check. Big names? Check. Exciting trailer? Check. Hot chicks? Check. Great story (G.I. Joe versus Cobra)? Check. Special effects? Check. The problem with the film was that in no way did it deliver in fulfilling its potential in any of the above areas. To be blunt, G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra was so bad that I ask everyone NOT to see it. No matter if it is in a cool air-conditioned theater and it is sweltering hot outside. No matter if it is the only DVD Netflix has. No matter if it is on TV and you are hungover or bored beyond belief. If you are a G.I. Joe fan, or a fan of film - do not watch this piece of garbage.

This is the first film that I have panned for the almighty GoodenoughFilms site, and as long as Hollywood massacres parts of our past by making a mockery of them, it will not be the last. G.I. Joe was an animated series as well as a line of action figures which were popularized in the 1980's. Competing with Thundercats, Transformers, He-Man and Smurfs - G.I. Joe was the most realistic. In an era where even kids like myself recall the thawing out from the Cold War, G.I. Joe was perfect. Good versus evil with a hint of WMD's. Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Revenge of the Mummy, Van Helsing) should be ashamed of himself. He should make another Mummy. Sommers even had the nerve to cast his bunk buddy Brenden Frasier (School Ties, Mummy 1-3) as the memorable Sgt. Stone. What a joke.

The plot was simple. There is a new weapon that could destroy the world. The weapon is now in the wrong hands and G.I. Joe is the only ones who can defend the world. Main character Duke is played by Channing Tatum (Step Up, Stop-Loss) who is the worst actor I have ever seen. He may be retarded, not to make fun of mentally challenged people. He delivers his lines like he just learned them and he sounds like he took too many hits playing football. Tatum could not even be a believable soldier. I'm not a hater, he is fit to be a model for sure; but do not let him act! PLEASE! Dennis Quade did a mediocre job as General Hawke. Christopher Eccleston (RayFiennes lookalike) was also only OK as Scottish bad guy McCullen turned Destro.

The highlights besides unintentional humor and Paris being nearly annihilated (The Eifel Tower scene is cool) are almost non-existent. The special effects were nothing compared to other recent action flicks like Transformers. Many critics may believe that writing is not important to action movies, but when it is as poor as G.I.Joe: The Rise of the Cobra it is tragic. Even Marlon Waynes' (Don' Be a Menace While Drinking you Juice in the Hood, Requim of a Dream) comedic acting, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's (10 Things I Hate About You, Stop-Loss, 500 Days of Summer) nastiness or Sienna Miller's (Stardust, Layercake, Alfie) hotness could not save this movie from self destructing.

Whatever you do with the end of summer 09' or in the future, do not watch this tremendous cinematic failure. The only glimmer of hope is that Stephen Sommers will step up, or there will be a new director with better writers and no Channing Tatum or Brenden Fraiser cameos in the next installment of G.I. Joe. To ruin it for all you real G.I. Joe heads, "Yo Joe!" was only said once; by a British character.

0 out of 4
(Review by Thomas Demerath)

Concert Review -- Linkin Park

Located at Shanghai Stadium
Performed August 15, 2009

I walked into Shanghai Stadium on Saturday night with no clue what to expect. Having never seen Linkin Park live or a big concert in China, only one thing was certain; I was ready to rock! Before the show was an international smorgasbord of friends and acquaintances. We consumed a predictable assortment of beverages in a living room while rocking out. If we knew the services of Shanghai Stadium were like that of the famed Betty Ford Clinic, we would have “turned it up a notch.”

As we made our way through traffic and the familiar mayhem of a big show, I felt we were in for a good show because of the massive crowd. Westerners were only scarcely scattered about the mobs of thousands descending upon 八万人体育场 “80,000 people’s Stadium.” Making it to our seats (300RMB or about 44USD) just before the first song “Session” ended I wondered if there was an opening band that we missed. LP had taken the stage within twenty minutes of their listed 8:00pm (20:00) starting time. Wow! That was a first for me. My friends were hungry and there were no bearded or dreaded groupies selling munchies outside, nor was there anything besides popcorn or ice cream inside. I was thirsty for cold beer and resorted to chewing gum. We were S.O.L.

The opening chord which we heard while scrambling to find our section electrified the crowd. I had no idea there were thousands (30,000 plus at the show) of LP fans in Shanghai. Not many bands successfully crossover to Asia besides everyone’s favorite Backstreet Boys and Westlife. The unique sound that I thought LP were innovators of quickly unraveled inside my head. I could hear 311 and Rage Against The Machine being emulated throughout the concert. “From The Inside”, a teen anthem that I still knew some words to while the crowd surrounding me knew every single line. The songs were not as memorable as the band because of the poor acoustics in the stadium. I could hardly make out a single lyric that the talented Mike Shinoda spit. Chester Bennington’s lead vocals were better live than on their studio songs. He can scream like a real metal singer needs to. There was a three song period when Shinoda moved from rapping, to playing the lead guitar, then playing the keyboard. Shinoda proved that he is the most talented member of the group besides the thumping drummer Rob Bourdon. Bourdon had a drum solo before the encore that was phenomenal.

Songs like “New Divide” from Transformers 2 which started the encore was a true adrenaline rush. “In The End” and “Bleed It Out” were also quite crisp allowing LP’s musical cohesiveness to shine on Shanghai’s biggest stage. The presence of the band was impressive. There was some Cab Calloway-esque crowd calling/control led by lead singer Bennington which was fun. Besides an LP member wearing an actual Metallica shirt the pulsing white lights created an energy that felt like a Metallica show. The encore was a bit short, and many fans including myself were quite shocked when an Alan Jackson (or some other awful new country star) song was gently played signaling the end of the evening.

Overall this was a good show and I had fun. No set break was new for me, but without beverages and other recreational activities I am glad it was absent. LP can put on a helluva show. There were minutes when my head naturally banged, and there were songs that made my girlfriend and I hold each other. Although LP didn’t invent this late 20th Century “rock-hop” sound, they have refined it and made it something millions of people all over the world love.

*J Rocc, the founder of The World Famous Beat Junkies Crew (CA, USA) and the third member of Jaylib (J Dilla and Madlib) and will spinning the best Hip-Hop has to offer at The Shelter (which was a bomb shelter) next Friday the 28th of August here in Shanghai’s French Concession. I will be there, but I will not be square.

(Review by Thomas Demerath)