Released August 7th 2009
Awful, horrendous, terrible, trash, waste, filth and crap are all words that describe G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It had all the ingredients for a great summer action flick. Hype? Check. Big names? Check. Exciting trailer? Check. Hot chicks? Check. Great story (G.I. Joe versus Cobra)? Check. Special effects? Check. The problem with the film was that in no way did it deliver in fulfilling its potential in any of the above areas. To be blunt, G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra was so bad that I ask everyone NOT to see it. No matter if it is in a cool air-conditioned theater and it is sweltering hot outside. No matter if it is the only DVD Netflix has. No matter if it is on TV and you are hungover or bored beyond belief. If you are a G.I. Joe fan, or a fan of film - do not watch this piece of garbage.
This is the first film that I have panned for the almighty GoodenoughFilms site, and as long as Hollywood massacres parts of our past by making a mockery of them, it will not be the last. G.I. Joe was an animated series as well as a line of action figures which were popularized in the 1980's. Competing with Thundercats, Transformers, He-Man and Smurfs - G.I. Joe was the most realistic. In an era where even kids like myself recall the thawing out from the Cold War, G.I. Joe was perfect. Good versus evil with a hint of WMD's. Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Revenge of the Mummy, Van Helsing) should be ashamed of himself. He should make another Mummy. Sommers even had the nerve to cast his bunk buddy Brenden Frasier (School Ties, Mummy 1-3) as the memorable Sgt. Stone. What a joke.
The plot was simple. There is a new weapon that could destroy the world. The weapon is now in the wrong hands and G.I. Joe is the only ones who can defend the world. Main character Duke is played by Channing Tatum (Step Up, Stop-Loss) who is the worst actor I have ever seen. He may be retarded, not to make fun of mentally challenged people. He delivers his lines like he just learned them and he sounds like he took too many hits playing football. Tatum could not even be a believable soldier. I'm not a hater, he is fit to be a model for sure; but do not let him act! PLEASE! Dennis Quade did a mediocre job as General Hawke. Christopher Eccleston (RayFiennes lookalike) was also only OK as Scottish bad guy McCullen turned Destro.
The highlights besides unintentional humor and Paris being nearly annihilated (The Eifel Tower scene is cool) are almost non-existent. The special effects were nothing compared to other recent action flicks like Transformers. Many critics may believe that writing is not important to action movies, but when it is as poor as G.I.Joe: The Rise of the Cobra it is tragic. Even Marlon Waynes' (Don' Be a Menace While Drinking you Juice in the Hood, Requim of a Dream) comedic acting, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's (10 Things I Hate About You, Stop-Loss, 500 Days of Summer) nastiness or Sienna Miller's (Stardust, Layercake, Alfie) hotness could not save this movie from self destructing.
Whatever you do with the end of summer 09' or in the future, do not watch this tremendous cinematic failure. The only glimmer of hope is that Stephen Sommers will step up, or there will be a new director with better writers and no Channing Tatum or Brenden Fraiser cameos in the next installment of G.I. Joe. To ruin it for all you real G.I. Joe heads, "Yo Joe!" was only said once; by a British character.
0 out of 4
(Review by Thomas Demerath)
0 comments:
Post a Comment